Though I’ve never been one to swoon over Benjamin Bratt (sorry, not my type), I know many women who have. They may be the only ones to tune into his dreadful new A&E show, “The Cleaner,” after Tuesday night’s premiere.

It’s not entirely his fault that the show sucks. Though he does play the role of William Banks, an “extreme interventionalist,” so rabidly that he might as well be foaming at the mouth, there are so many other things that are wrong here.

The plot, which is loosely based in reality, should be an interesting one: A former addict goes to extremes to save others from their addictions. Instead it’s a mishmash of melodrama, bad writing, editing gimmicks and overblown acting on more than just Bratt’s part.

Oh yeah, and then there’s Banks’ conversations — out loud — with God. (He calls himself an “avenging angel” and tells his kids that he made a deal to help God if God helped him kick his heroin addiction.)

We’ll start with the writing. The dialogue is unbelievably hokey. After finding signs of a kid’s meth addiction, Banks calls up one of his people and barks, “Get the team together. We got a kid in trouble.”

Luckily, I wasn’t drinking anything at the time, because if I had been, it most definitely would have come back out through my nose. 

Then, there’s the editing. The show’s creators were actors before they were writers and directors, and I can see that. They use the split screen like it’s a cool new gimmick they just learned in film class.

Though cheesy, its use in the beginning to link Banks’ home life (coaching his son’s football game) and work life (orchestrating an intervention) is at least logical. The times after that, it’s unnecessary and annoying. 

Finally, there are the characters, if you want to call them that. In addition to Bratt’s overzealous former addict, there’s the resentful son, the daughter who tries to be perfect to win daddy’s love and the wife who keeps giving her man another chance despite him repeatedly letting her down.

And that’s just his family. At work, there’s the hot chick who tries to be “one of the guys” (except when they need her to use her sex appeal to get something), the whiney slacker and the loyal guy whose friendship with the main character goes back to some life-saving/changing event years ago.

The end of the pilot is supposed to be touching, but it’s not. You know you’re supposed to be emotionally affected, but you’re not. A&E’s slogan is “Real life. Drama.” That’s what they should focus on. If you want to see the grit and harsh reality of addiction, tune into “Intervention” instead.

USA’s fun Friday nights return this week with the debut of new seasons of “Monk” at 9 p.m. and “Psych” at 10. Not only are the shows coming back for new seasons (7 and 3 respectively), but they’re bringing new faces for their returns.

After the untimely death of Stanley Kamel in April, Hector Elizondo joins the “Monk” cast Friday as Monk’s new shrink, Dr. Bell. Though he wasn’t even considered a series regular, Kamel definitely made an impact on the show, and just like it will take some time for Monk to get used to his new shrink, I think it will take viewers some time to get used to Elizondo, too.

The cast of “Psych” is getting a dose of estrogen to balance out all the testosterone in its cast. Popping up in the recurring role of Shawn’s mother will be Cybill Shepherd.

(On an unrelated “Psych” note, if you haven’t seen the new season promo with Gus and Shawn doing “Ebony & Ivory,” then definitely check it out on YouTube or at the show’s official page on usanetwork.com. It’s hilarious.)

Season premiere: “Criss Angel: Mindfreak,” 10 p.m. Wednesday, A&E.

Series premieres: “Gong Show with Dave Attell,” 10 p.m. tonight, Comedy Central; “High School Musical: Get in the Picture,” (reality competition) 8 p.m. Sunday, ABC; “Wanna Bet?” (celebrity game show), 9 p.m. Monday, ABC.

Of note: Celebrate The Who with “VH1 Rock Honors,” tonight at 9 p.m. or sports with ESPN’s “2008 ESPY Awards” Sunday at 9 p.m. Parents, use the Nick News special “Torchlight on Tibet: Politics, the Olympics and You” (9 p.m. Sunday) as an opportunity to discuss with your kids the controversy surrounding this summer’s Olympics before they kick off on Aug. 8.

Reach Amy Robinson at flipside@wvgazette.com.