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IDIOT BOX: ‘Simpsons’ throws you a line
by Amy Robinson
flipside@wvgazette.com

I know I just did a quote-esque column last week, but I’ve got another one for you.

Late Friday night, I was channel surfing and came across an episode of “The Simpsons.” I suppose because of Wimbledon, it was the episode where the Simpsons put a tennis court in their backyard.

All of Springfield’s residents come over to play, and Marge feels that the family’s standing in the town is finally improving — until she overhears a group at the supermarket making fun of her and Homer’s tennis skills.

“They’re easier to beat than a suspect in shackles,” Chief Wiggum cracks.

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That conversation leads Marge to get uber-competitive for a tennis tournament. She dumps Homer as her doubles partner and picks up Bart. Homer than seizes Lisa for his team. None of that matters, though, because they both dump the kids for the Williams sisters at the tournament only to be booted themselves for Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi.

The action of that last paragraph isn’t all that important to me. I love that episode for one reason and one reason alone — Chief Wiggum’s quip.

There are plenty of great one-liners in “The Simpsons,” and they don’t always come from the Simpson clan. Here are some of my favorite quotes from some of Springfield’s other citizens:

  • (Entering a strip club) “Great heavens! It’s one of those nude female fire departments!” — Mr. Burns
  • “This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie ‘The Neverending Story.’” — Lionel Hutz
  • “Get me Steven Spielberg!” (finds out he’s unavailable) “Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent!” — Mr. Burns
  • (After getting sprayed by fake blood) “I look like cable TV!” — Ralph Wiggum
  • “Oh, a sarcasm detector. That’s a really useful invention.” — Comic Book Guy
  • “Huh. Looks like heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State.” — Ned Flanders
  • “Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors; useful people are starting to feel the pinch.” — Kent Brockman
  • “We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.” — Millhouse
  • “Are you the creator of ‘Hi and Lois’? Because you are making me laugh.” — Comic Book Guy
  • “I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.” — Smithers

    • USA’s “Burn Notice” returns for its sophomore season tonight at 10 p.m. (Yay!) In case you missed last season, here’s the scoop: Spy Michael Westen was “burned” (CIA speak for fired) and left stranded in Miami. He helps people who can’t necessarily go to the cops while he tries to find out who burned him.

    The finale saw Michael confront Cowan, the man who allegedly burned him, only to have Cowan get shot. It ended with him driving his car into a pitch-black 18-wheeler, presumably to meet Cowan’s bosses and dig deeper into the mystery of his burn notice.

    Other biggies returning this week are Sci Fi’s “Stargate Atlantis” (10 p.m. Friday), TNT’s “The Closer” and “Saving Grace” (9 and 10 p.m. Monday) and Bravo’s — soon to be Lifetime’s — “Project Runway” (9 p.m. Wednesday).

    Season premieres: “Degrassi: The Next Generation,” 8 p.m. Friday, The N; “Big Brother 10,” 8 p.m. Sunday, CBS; “Avatar: The Last Airbender,” 8 p.m. Monday, Nickelodeon; “Dog the Bounty Hunter,” 9 p.m. Wednesday, A&E; “Run’s House,” 10 p.m. Wednesday, MTV.

    Series premieres: “Greatest American Dog,” 8 p.m. tonight, CBS (pooches and their people compete for $250,000); “Flashpoint,” 10 p.m. Friday, CBS (SWAT team drama with Enrico Colantoni); “The Cleaner,” 10 p.m. Tuesday, A&E (Benjamin Bratt drama about an intervention specialist/recovering addict); “Family Foreman,” 10 p.m. Wednesday, TV Land (George Foreman reality show).

    Of note: Sci Fi dusts off the 2002 post-apocalyptic drama “Jeremiah” tonight at 7 p.m. and will run four-hour blocks every Thursday through Sept. 4; tweens and teens can get their fill of romantic sap with “High School Musical” star Ashley Tisdale in “Picture This” at 8 p.m. Sunday on ABC Family.

    Reach Amy Robinson at flipside@wvgazette.com.