Jesus picked up the phone on the fifth ring. I’d kind of hoped for the answering machine, actually, not because I wanted to talk to an answering machine, but because I’ve always wondered what Jesus would have on his answering machine. Would there be strains of Handel’s Messiah or perhaps singing dogs? Would you get the voice of Charlton Heston or James Earl Jones?

No answering machine. No voice mail.

Jesus picked up on the fifth ring. He was glad to talk to me, glad I called. Evidently, not a lot of people had called. He told me about his books.

“I have seven of them,” he said, “almost eight, but the eighth one isn’t really supposed to be part of the Bible.”

Eight books also would throw off the box-set packaging of calling them “The Seven Tiers of Life.”

He said, “It takes nerve being me. This wasn’t what I planned.”

At 44, he didn’t start out to be a religious figure, prophet or supernatural being. Sixteen years ago, God came to him while he was sitting in a chair and told him he had a very special purpose.

“It about scared me to death.”

Like the previous Jesus, his younger brother, he had a day job. Jesus told me he used to be a sautee cook at a country club in Oklahoma City, but he gave that up. It was a good job. He liked it, but he needed a change.

The proof of his divinity is in the fact his mother is named Mary and GPC brand cigarettes conform to his initials. Jesus is also known as Greg. God also granted him a couple of miracles, both as rewards and proof of his nature. The movie, “The Lion King,” was made for him. Hallmark cards also were inspired to name October 20th, his birthday, as “The Sweetest Day.”

“God has been very good to me,” he said. “He’s given me everything.”

Jesus seemed like a pretty nice guy, maybe a little paranoid with some of his talk about a new world order, but he was friendly. He talked about giving love to receive love and being good to each other — the kind of stuff people talk about, but don’t actually do. He promised to send me a copy of his book.

“I got my brother to do the drawings in it,” he said. “Jeff is a really good artist.”

Things got quiet for a while. I don’t have a great explanation for why that was. I sort of lost my way. I’d been looking for a way to relaunch, to dust this here old blog off and get back on my feet… Finally, there was a miracle, delivered by the U.S. Postal Service.

Dear Editor,

Thank you for accepting my letter.

This letter serves as a proper introduction to me, Jesus Christ, Father of Man. I am Big Brother to Jesus Christ, Son of Man.

I am hereby announcing my Second Coming.

I am writing this letter in order to make my Second Coming public.

I will give interviews to the first ten.

Moreover, I have proof. I have written seven books which I call the Seven Tiers of Life –the epilogue to the Holy Bible.

My Mom’s name is Mary. Also, the GPC cigarette are a sign from God, that what I say is true. They are my initials. Moreover, my birthday, October 20, is the Sweetest Day.

I am serious about this action I am taking. I have mailed this letter to 100 newspapers.

It is inevitable that someone heeds my words, and accepts my invitation. Again, I will only give out ten interviews.

“I have come to bolster peace and righteousness, to establish the Kingdom of God, to rid the world of contempt and despair, and to fulfill prophecy.”

Thank you for your time, and I sincerely look forward to meeting you.

I have also enclosed my Preemptive Eulogy and the Unifying Prayer.

Sincerely Yours,

(Jesus)

If I was looking for a sign, I found it. I guess tomorrow, I’ll call Jesus (he left a number) and see how he’s doing. I wonder what the lottery is up to this weekend?

Episode 2: Bill vacations in Charleston, W.Va.. on the cheap…

Vacationing at home can be an exotic experience. Staying in Charleston during your vacation, you still have the opportunity to be a tourist, to watch. I don’t mean watching your neighbors. That’s probably illegal and will likely end in incarceration (or even annihilation). No, you want to watch strangers. You want to see people you wouldn’t normally see. You want to gawk and stare at people who aren’t certain what their legal rights under the circumstances might be.

Hang out at the Greyhound Bus Station or Yeager Airport in Charleston, say. It’s at its best late in the evening when those flights come in from God-knows-where and everybody just wants to get to a cab, a hotel, then to a bar. It’s fun just to listen to people jabber in those crazy accents from far-off, romantic places. Like Cleveland, Detroit, Pittsburgh.

For those not willing to make the trip up to Yeager, you can also hang out stand by the back lot at Charleston Civic Center when there’s a show in town. Sometimes you get the circus with elephants and Spanish-speaking acrobats doing flips out on the hard top. Other times, you get to watch an army of roadies unloading palm trees, sand and other crap for Kenny Chesney’s dressing room.

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There is always plenty to see… and if you decide you want to mingle with the authentic people of the city, go to Slack Plaza, hang out at a table with the cream of the crop of Charleston’s active loafer scene. Bring a lunch and plenty of change to hand out.

Since gas prices are so high, over the next few weeks I’ll write about how you can turn good ol’ Charleston into that tourist trap destination a few miles away that you can no longer afford to visit.

Episode 1: Wild Life

Part of what I like about living in Charleston is the parks. Charleston has a number of great places to take the kids, hang out, shoot hoops and watch the local fauna.

To quote my father, “You’ve got a lot of damned squirrels.”

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While the squirrels at Joplin Park are probably the most pleasant (meaning they’ll leave you be), I enjoy the company of squirrels at Coonskin Park. What makes the squirrels of Coonskin different? What makes them that much fun to be around?

The squirrels at Coonskin park are fat little balls of fur — seriously and morbidly obese rodents. While other squirrels jump from limb to limb and from tree to tree, the squirrels at Coonskin lumber from picnic table to picnic table and garbage can to garbage can looking for spare Cheetos, an extra sandwich or maybe just one more hotdog. They fight over discarded Funyons and the crumbs from the bottom of a KFC bucket.
This is intelligent design in action.

Visiting with the squirrels is a little like hanging out with old fraternity brothers on Sunday afternoon, after all their money is gone. It’s sad, in a way, that they’re broke, but funny to watch them look under the couch for food.

Your best bet is to keep your distance, but as a precaution keep a ketchup packet or a bag of peanut M&Ms in your pocket. You may need to barter to escape.

Sunday, Ted Elden and his merry band at Top O Rock (a.k.a Truthseekers) are celebrating the birthday of their leader Ted. They sent an itinerary of the throwdown.

1:30 p.m. Meet and Greet at his place. Yoga will be served.

2:30- 3:30 Presentations and discussion about global warming, free energy, suppressed sciences, anti-gravity, world grid implosion, alternative health, save taxes.

4 p.m. Badminton tournament, followed by pay-for-your-own Chinese food and maybe a couple of movies.

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I want to point out they do not account for time between 3:30 and 4 p.m. This makes me wonder. What are they hiding? What happens from 3:30 to 4 p.m.
Anyway, if you want to go, drop me a line and I’ll forward the appropriate e-mail.

Ray McGovern, a retired CIA analyst, will tell his insider’s story about the Middle East 7 p.m. Wednesday, April 30th at WVSU in the student union. Aside from that he’s also a Christian activist.

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Normally, that would just about freak me out. I’ve been reading a book on the end time movement in popular culture and big religion called “Have a Nice Doomsday: Why Millions of Americans are looking forward to the End of the World.” Some of them are looking forward to the end of the world and believe that gets staged in the Middle East. A few look like they’re quietly pushing for it to happen.

McGovern doesn’t appear to be one of those guys. He was one of the analysts critical of the war in Iraq and publicly questioned Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield on his statements about Weapons Of Mass Destruction. He has called for the impeachment of President Bush and gone head to head with some of the neocon mouth pieces. Interesting guy…

He’s a pretty polarizing figure… Anyway you can catch him twice next week. The first time is at West Virginia State University at 7 p.m. Wednesday. The second is at Grace Bible Church, Thursday at 9 a.m. Both events are sponsored by Seneca 2. I have no idea who Seneca 2 is.

There’s been sort of a dearth of local strange things to report lately –minus the Bigfoot thing. That was genuinely strange. Traipsing through the woods on a snipe hunt looking for a big, furry guy.

I’ll buy a lot of things, but not big foot.

This is the only West Virginia Big Foot I know of. You can catch him on re-runs. Mostly, it’s been low-grade weird based on curious timing.

Tax forms were due yesterday and the circus came to town. The two are unrelated, but feel similar for some reason. Across the state, a chicken processing plant was raided by immigration officials. The raid also includes four other states. Between the five, 100 people are expected to be charged. Meanwhile, Smiley’s Pancake House in Jefferson burned down. Four illegal immigrants were picked up during the course of evacuation of the hotel, the battle to save the place and whatever investigation went along with it.

On the local blog front, Barbie girl got a stain off of her shirt.

It’s been kind of like that.

Hey, if you were hoping for a gigantor rock show at the Civic Center … well, you’re not getting one. But what you are getting is a cat show! Fun for the whole family, or at least your crazy aunt and the guy down the street who gets all those packages wrapped in plain brown wrappers.

June 7, 2008; 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

CFA ALLBREED CAT SHOW & AGILITY COMPETITION

225 Pedigreed cats from around the country compete for awards and in the feline agility competition; Open to the public. Charleston Civic Center. Admission $6 Adults; $4 Under 5/Over 65; Free Admission under age 5. Sponsored by the Almost Heaven Cat Club and the Cat Fanciers’ Association

Hey, and just in time for Festivall Charleston, the city’s big arts and music festival, the Civic Center has booked the Christian Congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

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Maybe they’ll bring Prince, but I have my doubts. I mean, we’re already get Morris Day and the Time for Regatta and he was almost as big a deal … almost.

I was hustling my way back to Charleston last night when the semi blew past on my left. Alongside the trailer, a beautiful woman gazed out seductively from an advertisement for something called Anastasia International. The exact words out of my mouth were: “What the hell?” For a second, I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I figured, “Mail-order brides? In this day and age, really?”Sort of but not exactly. I looked it up, which is exactly what I was supposed to do. Credit where credit is due. It was pretty smart marketing: pretty girl on the side of a truck, big goofy name that’s easy to search.

Word to the wise… Do not search by image. It’s like asking to get fired or beaten down by your wife, girlfriend or mother.

So, what Anastasia does is put together “tours” of Russian cities. You give them a bunch of money, they fly you over with a bunch of other hopeless romantics where you’re sent on the Russian equivalent of a Speed date. Basically, you’re placed in a room where the girl-to-guy ratio is 10 or 20 to 1. Interpreters are provided, as well as some booze. The booze, you probably need, but if you’re going to Russia to find a girlfriend, odds are, the interpreter isn’t going to be of much help.

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I might as well go ahead and give them some more credit. Yesterday, I mentioned my heartfelt appreciation for Hippie Killer’s work on the 5th Column.

Acknowledging political bloggers are a growing cultural force, the Democratic Party will embed select bloggers from all 50 states at the Democratic National Convention in Denver, Aug. 25 to 28. While personally, I can think of a dozen other conventions I’d rather attend (AVN, GEN-CON, The Fantasy Nascar league Convention, The Children of recovering glue sniffers, etc… ), it’s still a pretty cool thing to get the nod. Hope he gets lots of pictures and remembers to take all the swag he can get his grubby little fingers on.

The 5th Column has been tapped.

As a blogger, it’s a remarkable opportunity to see up close and personal the sad, silly circus that is our two-party political system. It’s also a great chance for him to ramp up his numbers, reach more people and even spread his thoughts, opinions and observations beyond the border.

I wonder if anyone has told Mike Garrison?

And further reading…

one.

two.